mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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