were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I want a musical about memes.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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