When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She told me I should be a condom model.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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