Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
