i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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