Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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