i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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