I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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