My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
