I think my fart just growled at me.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
