Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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