exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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