Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
