my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
