im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
