When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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