lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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