he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
