I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize