I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
