I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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