I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Dear god my vagina.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
