As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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