just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
