Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize