I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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