Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
