Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
