just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
