I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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