sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
