I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
