I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
