I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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