so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
