cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
