I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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