My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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