I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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