omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
