Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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