Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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