god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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