I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
