i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
