Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
