She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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