The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
