So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
