i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
