You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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