I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
