I will die if light touches me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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